IM HAVING A MISCARRIAGE
I’m 14 weeks pregnant, but very soon, I won’t be pregnant at all.
Yesterday, I received my 3rd scan, and as soon as the probe hit my belly, it was clear that my little surprise baby’s heart had stopped beating.
‘im sorry’ the words that have not stopped whirling in my mind caused me to wail. For some reason, I knew this scan would bring the news I had heard six times before…the pregnancy had ended, but somehow the pain was different this time.
We were told sorry. Someone will call then to leave – it was done. I walked out of the room, trying to hold it together. Knowing the other pregnant ladies had heard me crying, unable to do anything other than to keep walking.
Anybody who has been through a miscarriage will know what a devastating and lonely experience it is. To go through this repeatedly is agonising. An early miscarriage is a pregnancy loss within 13 completed weeks, something I experienced four times.
A pregnancy loss between weeks 14 and 24 is known as a late loss. Late losses are much less common than early losses, yet somehow I have had two.
Most people who lose a pregnancy aren’t given a reason; you are told – repeatedly – that it’s “just bad luck”, “just one of those things”, “just nature’s way”. With no answers to your questions – why did it happen? Will it happen again? – you are cut adrift in a sea of recommendations from women on Mumsnet, private doctors, people offering fertility supplements, herbalists and nutritionists, and from cult best-sellers that promise to tell you how to improve the quality of your eggs.
This wasn’t supposed to happen this time; this baby was a surprise. We didn’t think we would ever have anymore, and this little rainbow entered our life. Why would God allow me to become pregnant too so cruelly take it away from me – it was after 12 weeks; it was supposed to be ok.
My husband and I were no longer an exciting couple about to have a baby, and we were now a couple who had suffered loss, who had tried and failed to have a baby.
The lens through which we view the world is tinged with grief. We had felt hopeful and full of life, and now we felt old.
I received my call soon after we returned home – given options of how I would like to ‘deal with the situation. As the baby was fully formed and the size of my hand, having the baby at home wouldn’t be the best option. I could be induced and have the baby like going into labour or surgically – I have chosen surgically.
It’s a personal choice, but I don’t want the trauma of labour or seeing the baby I will never get to take home. It’s not something that would bring me closure; in fact, I think I would find it even difficult to get over.
Due to COVID restrictions, I have to face this alone, something I have not done before. The last time Rory was by my side the whole time, but tomorrow I will have no one.
No one to hold me
No one to comfort me
Life is so cruel; I didn’t think I would be so unlucky and have to go through this again. I’m broken, I’m numb, and I’ll never be the same again.