It’s sometimes hard to see your blessings

Happy New Year troops, I hope it was a good one. I ended up drinking Champagne with the family and crawling to bed an hour after the bells – no change there then!

As I stewed in my self-made pity the next day, I was feeling low and anxious. Again, sames.

I had been texting my husband, he had to work on New Year’s day and I was doing my usual “who am I?” texts when my husband sent me a message listing all the amazing things I had achieved in the last ten years with him by my side. Oh, how he just gets me!

This post may be a bit self blagy but who cares, I need to remember all the good things as its those brilliant little moments that keep us going.

Ten years ago, I was studying at college. I had gone back to retrain as a beauty therapist and was loving every minute of it, I had met some new friends, one of them has gone on to be the best thing that came from going back to college.

This friend is one of those friends that I can completely be myself with, something that’s very rare for an anxious mess like myself. We bonded over broken relationships, hurt and Friday nights in the local Lloyds. We became a duo, you didn’t get one without the other and it was something I hadn’t experienced in a long time, I had made a friend. A real true friend, one that was more like a sister than just someone to spend time with. I got her, and she got me.

Ten years on we don’t see each other every day like we use to but that doesn’t matter, our bond has been made. Etched into each other’s life. I think after my husband and kids, of course, she is the love on my life.

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I was there for the births of my nephews, something I never thought would happen. It was unexpected as I was never my sisters’ friend. She had fought me every step of the way, but I never gave up, when she went into early labour and I was the only one there. I held her hand, I helped calm her and I showed her that my love had always been there for her. We became friends that day, 23 years of her fighting it ended thanks to my little bubuloo.

I became a mother, first to my daughter and then to my son. When we decided it was time for children, it all happened very quickly, we were lucky. That was a tough year though, after just having a baby and was planning a wedding that I had wanted for so long I found myself very deep into the baby blues (PND) and was struggling with finding any happiness in my life. I would cry, scream, self-harm to try and release the overwhelming feeling inside. I kept it all inside, desperate to be the “perfect” person that I had always strive for.

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I was failing myself, my husband and my baby until I found the strength to get help.

We sat in the doctors and I was presented with those little pills, they saved my life. They made me able to function, so I could work on getting better, I have been trying different therapy’s for years and recently I have found hypnotherapy to be the most effective for me. I am fighting, and for that I am extremely proud. I will never give up on myself, I deserve this.

I started this blog, this little space in the world that’s all mine. When I started I wanted to just wright down my thoughts, get them out of my mind so I could get on with my day without overthinking but then I discovered, I really enjoyed writing. I started writing more and people actually started to read them. I hasn’t been without its ups and downs though, but I keep going because ultimately I love it.

In the last decade, I have gotten married, bought our own home and had two successful pregnancies resulting in my son and daughter. A real blessing, its sometimes too easy to overlook and take for granted what you have.

Each and every one of us suffer through hard times, its all part of being human and the harsh reality that we must deal with. We often forget our value because we are engulfed with heavy thoughts of loneliness, unrealistic ideas and self-pride. We seem to become blind with all the resentment and annoyance around us. It isn’t all about that though, life isn’t always about the darkness, as they say there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

We must look for the light, it may be hiding there behind the situations that we experience; in a friend we meet unexpectedly; a family that always has your back yet take for granted because they didn’t seem “perfect” enough; your health and I could go on and on.

Open your heart and you will see how blessed you are to have them all in your life.

Sometimes they are the light that shines your path in some dark phases of life. Don’t lose hope at times in life we take our blessings for granted.

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So, what does the next decade hold for me? I have no idea, I have always had faith that its going somewhere good and I’m looking forward to the bumpy ride.

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